Heavy day

It's been one hard day today. Different, in a way. The first days after they all left was hard too. But this day has been different. The first week after the funeral... I had real difficulties accepting the fact that he was actually gone. Having had all these people around us had been good, but it hadn't given me time to think. Feel. Realizing -that he was actually gone. I spent the firs week clinging to something that could not be. I didn't realize I was holding on until John said I had to let him go.. Realizing that I was actually holding on too hard....Made me cry eaven more. I didn't want to let him go.. How could I. My baby, my darling, my life... Of course. I have an other son. And if it hadn't been for him... I don't know how I would have made it through the day... But Nikolas.. He was my baby... All the things we were going to do.. All the plans I had made.. We were going to live our lives like normal people do.. And we were like one person. Having spent every hour of the day-and night together. I could feel what ever he felt.. The longest I had ever been away from him, not counting the stay at the ICU, was a couple of hours.. How could I let him go. I need him so much.. But I had to, of course.. And I did. And it made me feel a little better. For a few days. Made me feel that he was alright. That he didn't need me any more.. All this feelings I'd had. I worried; did he miss me.. Maybe he cried for mommy. He needed me so much when he was here. And I was so worried.. And I couldn't be there for him... And I wanted to be there for him, and I didn't want to be there for him, because I wanted to be here for my other son... So, I let him go. And I know, Nikolas is fine where he is now.. I can see him smile at me... I know he is fine. And we will meet again -some day.. But I miss him so much.. And that is what made this day, and yesterday different from all the other days.. I miss him so much. Of course I have missed him all the time. But the intensity of that feeling, struck me like a train last night.. And it is just getting worse.. I thought it would get better.. And there is nothing I can do about it.. It makes me feel so tired.. And still, I can't sleep... Every part of my body weighs a hundred kilo... And when I do sleep. I don't want to get up..